From time to time, either by mail, messenger or e-mail, some gems (at least to me) arrive that are worth passing on.  Some are anonymous while others show up without a name attached.  Periodically I will be adding some of these epigrams for your pleasure.  If perchance you know the author, please let me know so credit can be given.  Happy reading, my friends. And thanks to you who sent these morsels on.     Dan Seagren  (Padre Dan)

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created  from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samsom slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.
The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife.  This is called monotony.

  1.      Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
  2.      Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3.      Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4.      For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a  nursery downstairs.
  5.      The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of  David Alan Belzer, the sin of
           Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

  6.      This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of  the church. Children
           will be baptized at both ends.
  7.      Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8.      Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sin  "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9.       Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little  Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be
           "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
  10.     This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

  11.     The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of  the ladies will start quietly
            and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12.     Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of carpet. All those wishing to do
            something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
  13.     The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  14.     A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
  15.     At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell." Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  16.     The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
  17.     Today: Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m.  Please park in the rear parking lot
            for this activity.
  18.     During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when
           A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
  19.     The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
  20.     The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has
            Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
  21.     The 'eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.
            The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

December 8: 6:00 PM  It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat transfixed for hours by the window watching the huge soft  flakes come drifting down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I just love snow!!

December 9:  We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight.  Can there be a more lovely place in all the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I ever had.  Shoveled for the first time in years and it made me feel like a young boy again.  I did both the driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered the sidewalks, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!

December 12:  The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll have plenty for a white Christmas.  I hope so.  No snow at Christmas would be a real bummer.  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm so fortunate that  he's our neighbor!

December 14:  Snow lovely snow, 8" last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the lie.  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't have to huff and puff so much though.

December l5:  20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  Boy, are we ready!  "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that is silly. After all, we aren't in Alaska.

December 16:  Ice storm this morning. I fell while putting down salt on the driveway.  Really hurts.  The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December l7:  Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on just to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stay out of the wife's way and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should have bought that wood stove, but won't admit she was right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:  Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of snow last night.  More shoveling. Took all day.  The snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around here to see about buying a snow blower and they're sold out.  Might have another shipment in March, he said. I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel the sidewalks or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22:  Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of that white stuff fell last night, and it's so cold it probably won't melt until August.  Took me 45 minutes to get dressed up to go out and shovel again, by the time I finished I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's already too busy. I think he's lying to me.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to zero.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front on the house this morning.  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago, before all this snow came, she says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:  Six more inches of snow, and packed so hard by the snowplow broke the handle on the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever could catch that snowplow man, I'd drag him through the snow by his big toes.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes tearing down the street at l00 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been shoveling.  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25:  Merry Christmas!! 20 more inches of that white slop today.  We're snowed in. The idea of having to shovel again makes my blood boil.  Man how I hate snow!!  To top it off the snowplow man came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  I told him I'm the one who needs a donation.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time I think I'll throw up.

December 26:  Still snowed in.  Why did I ever move here.  It was HER idea, wasn't it?  She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:  Temperature dropped to minus 30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up a little but we're still snowed in.  I can't take much more of this, I'm so sick of snow that I could cry.

December 29:  10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the snow off my roof or it could cave in. I think he's lying.  How stupid does he think I am anyway.

December 30:  Roof caved in.  The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars.  The wife left me to go and live with her mother. 9 inches more predicted.

December 31:  Set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling either.

January 8:  I feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. I wonder why I'm tied to this bed??  Maybe they don't think I should shovel any more snow.

---

Some time ago, my wife, Barbara, discovered this piece which her husband thinks is worth sharing.  See if you don’t agree (if you know the author, please let us know).  We think this may have come from Chicken Soup for the Soul, 1993.

If I had my life to live over, I’d try
To make more mistakes this time.
I would relax, I would limber up, I would be crazier
Than I’ve been on this trip.
I would take more chances.
I would take more trips.
I would scale more mountains.
I would swim more rivers.
I would watch more sunsets.
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans.
I would have more actual troubles
and fewer imaginary ones.
 

You see,
I was one of those people who lived
Prophylactically and sensibly and sanely
Hour after hour and day after day.
Oh, I’ve had my moments
And if I had to do it all over again,
I’d have many more of them.
 

In fact, I’d try not to have anything else,
Just moments, one after another
Instead of living so many
Years ahead of my time.
I’ve been one of those people who
Never went anywhere without
A thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle,
A raincoat and a parachute, an iron and a hair dryer.

If I had to do it all over again,
I’d travel lighter, much lighter.
I would start barefoot earlier in the Spring
And stay that way later into the Fall.
And I would ride more merry-go-rounds, and
Catch more gold rings, and
Greet more people, and
Pick more flowers and
Dance more often.

If I had it
To do over again,
But you see, I don’t.
=====================     ====================    =====================

When I was very little
All the Grandmas that I knew
All walked around this world
In ugly grandma shoes.
You know the ones I speak of,
those black clunky heeled kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind,
For I knew, when I grew old,
I'd have to wear those shoes,
I'd think of that, from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.

I never was a rebel,
I wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
Then the sandals, pretty cool.
And then came spikes with pointed toes
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came along
I wore them, one and all.
But always, in the distance,
Looming in my future, there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandmas wear.

I eventually got married
And then, I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left,
And when their children came along,
I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes
Was what I'd have to wear.

How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn't even think about
How I would ride my bike?

But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realized
That the shape of things to come
Was changing, right before my eyes.

And now, when I go shopping
What I see, fills me with glee
For, in my jeans and Reeboks
I'm as comfy as can be.
And I look at all these teenage girls
And there, upon their feet
Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes,
And they really think they're neat.

1.    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2.    Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3.    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4.    Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5.    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6.    Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7.    Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8.    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9.    British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10.  Teacher Strike Idles Kids
11.  Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12.  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13.  Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14.  Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15.  Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16.  Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
17.  War Dims Hope for Peace
18.  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19.  Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20.  Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21.  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22.  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23.  Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24.  Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 25.  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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Thought you might get a chuckle out of this one if you haven't already heard it.  Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence...

Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

This message is for the designated recipient only and may contain privileged or confidential information. If you have received it in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete the original. Any other use of the email by you is prohibited (note: this arrived as an email from my son, Scott).

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From: "RWMHESS" <RWMHESS@email.msn.com>
To: <Undisclosed-Recipient:;>
Sent: Sunday, July 29, 2001 4:14 PM

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Soul food served here"
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"
"We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"

"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good back seat"
"Life has many choices - For Eternity, two. What's yours?"
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
"No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace!"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"WalMart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Delay is preferable to error"

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
"To belittle is to be little"
"God answers kneemail"
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"

It's a Lot like Being a Pumpkin

A lady had recently been baptized. When she went to work, one of her
co-workers asked her what it was like to be a Christian. She was caught off
guard and didn't really know how to answer, but when she looked up, she saw a
jack-o'-lantern on the desk and answered, "Well, it's a lot like being a
pumpkin."

The worker asked her to explain that one. "Well, God picks you from the patch
and brings you in and washes off all the dirt on the outside that you got
from being around all the other pumpkins. God removes all that yucky stuff
from the inside. He removes all those seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. You
feel really great. He carves you a new smiling face and then, he puts His
light inside you to shine for all to see.

I don't think I'll ever look at a pumpkin the same way ever again!

May God Always Bless You

 For More Pithy Sayings,   Click Here